


The Confusion of Tongues

by Thispe



Category: Star Trek: The Original Series
Genre: AU, Angst, Episode Related, Insecurity, Journey to Babel, M/M, Romance, Self-Doubt, insecure!McCoy
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-12-13
Updated: 2012-12-13
Packaged: 2017-11-21 01:55:33
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 6,543
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/592151
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Thispe/pseuds/Thispe
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Journey to Babel AU. McCoy wouldn't mind his in-laws so much if only they weren't so damn perfect. He just doesn't measure up. Insecure McCoy, confused and apologetic Spock. Smooching at the end.</p>
            </blockquote>





	The Confusion of Tongues

**Author's Note:**

> Huge thanks to my Beta reader Stephanie Hokama. All remaining errors are mine, mine and mine alone. I'm greedy like that.
> 
>  
> 
> Enjoy! Reviews and feedback are very much appreciated.

_Leonard McCoy, Private Log, Stardate 3842.37_

Sarek seems to be reasonably comfortable, as far as one can tell with a Vulcan. His readings are all on the low end but within normal range for a meditative trance.

It's funny how Spock's readings, from brain patterns to pulse, can be so wonky when compared to a full Vulcan's, and yet his blood is close enough to his father's that he can easily donate without doing any harm. Perhaps I should write a paper about this. 

I predict another day under my tender mercies for Sarek before I will release him into his wife's care. Perhaps she can get him to rest for another week. Doubtful, but worth a try. Bloody stubborn Vulcans. Thankfully, we won't reach Babel for another three weeks. More than enough time for the Ambassador to recover fully before the difficult negotiations.

I almost lost Spock today, him and Sarek both. If Jim hadn't worked another miracle and stopped the attack... I will probably be shaky thinking about that possibility for some time to come. But it's a sad fact of the life we choose to lead that one of us can lose his life at any time. If it ever happens, I desperately pray it won't be on my operating table. I don't think I can bear it if Spock died under my hands, or because of them. Hopefully it won't ever come to that. We do seem to have the luck of fools on our side.

I released Spock and Jim hours ago and strongly suggested to Spock that he take his mother to get some sleep as well. My sickbay is empty, save for me and my last patient, and everything is silent. Usually I would start to relax now. Perhaps even catch a few winks on the cot in my office. The patient is on his way to recovery, the real murderer caught, the crisis averted. For now everything is all right with my world if it weren't for the damn unsettling fact that Spock's parents will be on the ship I call home for another three weeks!

I don't think Sarek knows that Spock and I are married. We both are rather fond of our privacy so we never filed any official papers with the Vulcan High Council to register our bond, and he can't have found out through Starfleet. Marital status isn't in the public files and one needs a good reason to get access to the private data.

Spock and his father talked some before Sarek fell asleep, taking the first steps toward reconciliation. But Spock won't tell him without asking me first and Vulcans are too damn private to go snooping into other peoples mental bonds. I would be perfectly comfortable with never letting the in-laws know, was counting on it even, when Spock told me they hadn't spoken in nearly twenty years. With the way it has been going, Spock reconciling with his mother and slowly starting to forgive his father, I doubt that is possible. It's only decent to tell them the important things they missed in their son's life. 

I wouldn't even mind if they weren't just so damn perfect. 

Lady Amanda is beautiful, like a queen and regal in her manners and how she behaves. They both are, really. She and Ambassador Sarek are like dignity and elegance personified. Even with him deathly ill and accused of murder and her worried like mad, they managed to keep an air of refinement around them that is damn near impossible to fake. 

When I compare Spock to Sarek I see many similarities. The graceful strength of their minds and bodies, the dignity in their logic and mannerisms. But when I compare myself to the Lady Amanda, I feel grubby and clumsy and awkward and entirely unsuitable to have married their son. I just don't measure up.

I know my faults, I am loud and opinionated, often foulmouthed and insulting, especially when I'm enjoying my drink too much. I can be a gentleman, I can be charming, but it's more of a rustic old country charm. She, on the other hand, is genteel, cultured, controlled. A real lady, and god knows, I can't be that. I admit it, I'm intimidated as hell. 

It reminds me of Jocelyn, to be perfectly honest. She was far too good for me. Came from old money, very posh, a real southern belle. Her family disapproved, of course. They didn't want their only daughter marrying the son of a country doctor. Especially one who had no more aspiration than becoming a country doctor himself. I think the excitement of defying her parents was part of the reason she married me. But when the excitement faded she started trying to change me. 

And damn it if it didn't work, too. Up to a point at least. I never would have taken my doctoring further than becoming a general practitioner like my Daddy without her encouragement. I truly owe her in that regard, and no matter what happened after with the two of us, I'm still damn grateful. Never would have figured out I had a knack for surgery without her. General surgery led to brain surgery and surgery on humans led to surgery on other species. Before I knew it, I had another two specialties in Neurosurgery and Xenobiology under my belt, and was well on my way to branch out into infectious diseases. I'm damn good at it too and the challenge of it was really missing in my life before. My life would have been very different without her, that's for sure.

But despite everything, I'm not a businessman or a lawyer like her father wanted. I worked too much and I said the wrong things at parties. I fidgeted when wearing a suit and I embarrassed her in front of her old friends and peers with my ignorance and my foul mouth. Uncouth and unpolished were the kindest descriptions they all had for me. I'm not saying Jocelyn was so shallow that this was the only reason for our divorce, but it sure didn't help. 

The government is always telling us that in this day and age we are all the same, but the truth is, different social classes still exist like they always have. And often the gulf simply can't be bridged. I'm not saying Sarek is a snob, though he certainly comes from the Vulcan equivalent of nobility, if I correctly understood the brief history of the family lineage Spock gave me. But Vulcans have certain expectations on how someone should behave and Lady Amanda sure as hell meets them a thousand times better than I do.

When I watch Amanda and Sarek together, the differences between them and us, become even more obvious. She looks at him with enough warmth that the bond between them is unmistakable. But I haven't noticed a single heated glance full of promise like the ones I use to rile up Spock. 'Indecent' he calls them. Getting him all hot and bothered is what _I_ call them. Sometimes I can even get the tips of his ears all green from blushing. Those occasions lead to the kind of nights where I'm walking bowlegged the next morning, if you know what I mean. Anyway, no such looks between the Ambassador and his Lady. 

And then there are the touches, or rather, the lack of touches. Sarek has his hand at her elbow when he is escorting her and sometimes they do the Vulcan hand kissing thing which, while a gesture of affection between bonded couples, is still very formal by human standards. But other than that, nothing. They don't touch at all and if they touch it's almost always Sarek that initiates the touch, never Mrs. Amanda.

In contrast, I touch Spock as often as I can get away with, even in public. When we are off duty I feel no shame hugging him or stealing kisses. When we take walks through the arboretum I enjoy holding his hand and feeling the closeness of his mind to mine. Not to mention the cuddling I indulge in when we are in bed together. I have always run a bit on the colder side, temperature wise, and having my own private hot Vulcan to snuggle up to is heaven when I'm freezing. Until now, I never questioned if Spock enjoys this as much as I do. He never gave any indication that it disturbs him. He often seems reluctant to let go of my hand when we leave and he always returns my kisses and embraces. Now I wonder if he's just putting up with it for my sake. Everything I have seen so far seems to point that way. 

It makes me miserable to think that I make him uncomfortable. I know people probably assume otherwise, but Spock is a very considerate lover. Let the gossips think what they want, I know what I've got in him. He genuinely wants to make me happy and take care of all my needs. Don't think I ever had as considerate a lover as him. I'm damn ashamed that I didn't give the same consideration back. That's not how marriage is supposed to work, damn it.

I'm such an idiot. 

I know he won't complain. It's simply not his way. It was my responsibility to pay closer attention to him and do my research into Vulcan relationships. Instead I took what he offered me and never gave anything back, like a greedy buffoon. It not just that Spock's parents will think I'm a bad husband, I _am_ actually a bad husband. 

Then there's Sarek and Spock. I am so happy that everything turned out well and that I managed to convince my stubborn Vulcan to kiss and make up with his father. I don't want to destroy this new-found and fragile closeness between the two. I know that I am not the mate Sarek imagined for his son. Compared with T'Pring I'm probably not even close. I wonder what Sarek thought when he found out that Spock ended his engagement to her before his first pon farr? He must have found out, I'm sure. Was he ashamed at Spock's breech of tradition, I wonder? Or was he worried how Spock would deal without a mate? After all, he didn't know that Spock was breaking it off because of me. He must have thought that Spock was foolishly risking his life.

I don't want to be the reason for a new rift between Spock and Sarek, but I also don't want Spock leaving me to please his family. I guess there's really only one thing I can do. I have to try my hardest to become as suitable a mate as humanly possible. I have to atone for my mistakes and change my behavior. 

I don't want to lose Spock, especially not for the same reason I lost Jocelyn. I'm not stupid. I can learn from my mistakes and I _can_ change. I will take better care of Spock's needs and I won't mess up his relationship with his parents under any circumstances. I will prove to them that I know how to be a good bond mate. 

There's an old saying that you can't teach an old dog new tricks. But my Mama took in enough rescue dogs from the shelter over the years for me to know that isn't true. This old dog _can_ learn, and god damn it, I will be happy doing so!

_Computer, end log and enable privacy encryption lock McCoy gamma epsilon nine._

\--------------

The party was in full swing. The Captain was making rounds through the crowd, charming the pants off the diplomats wherever he went, making sure everybody was talking and no one felt left out. McCoy rather thought that Jim could have had a good career as a diplomat if his almost suicidal need for adventure hadn't drawn him into military service. He is actually damn good at making people feel comfortable with each other, even Andorians and Tellarites who historically have a rather strained relationship.

There were still twelve standard days left until they reached Babel and could finally get rid of all the visitors. Uhura had suggested an informal get together to celebrate Ambassador Sarek's recovery and Jim, curse the bastard, had agreed and gleefully ordered his entire senior staff to attend. McCoy hated to wear his dress uniform at the best of times, but twice in the space of two weeks was truly cruel and unusual punishment. He sternly reminded himself not to fidget, to stand straight and proud and to pretend the damn collar wasn't strangling him. He decided to sip on his champagne flute instead. Fizzy water, and hadn't that earned him some raised eyebrows from Scotty who was manning the bar. It was a damn shame because the Captain only broke out the good stuff when dignitaries were a-visiting. But Spock was worth it. Alcohol made him maudlin and when Spock finally got around to telling his parents about their marriage, he didn't want them to remember him as the emotional, drunken mess at the party. 

During the last week he had truly managed to keep himself in check. Discipline was the key. It took a lot of discipline to do the work he did and he had long since gotten used to denying himself when it came to his job. Sleep, food, recreation, it all became secondary when it came to the needs of his patients. Until now however, he had never tried to apply this to his personal life. It took some getting used to, mentally being on duty every single hour of the day, even in his own quarters. But the discipline of his job, his 'doctor mentality' as he called it, was the only way he had found to keep up his act. 

He only touched Spock rarely now and never intimately, standing close but respecting his personal space no matter how much his hands itched to pat and caress and how empty his arms felt without an embrace. In bed, he slept on his back. It fooled his body into thinking it was lying on the narrow cot in sickbay. Consequently, conditioning took over and he hardly moved during the night and avoided curling around Spock like a boa constrictor. He didn't raise his voice anymore, not in sickbay and certainly not when Spock was anywhere near. His tongue was tender from biting back the sarcasm, the insults and the expletives that always seemed to come out when he was stressed or frustrated. He only hoped cursing like a sailor inside his own head didn't count. 

McCoy sighed. He really missed kissing. It wasn't even the sex, though that had been great too, but he had gotten used to the intimacy and he missed it like crazy. He had always been very tactile and hands on, touching his family, friends and patients alike to comfort and draw comfort himself. Hugs and other touches came easily y to him. He had grown spoiled with Spock, using their intimacy to calm down, de-stress, comfort himself or share the simple joy of being together, comfortable and happy. It had done wonders for his blood pressure, too and even when Spock was on the bridge, he found the effects lingered and he was able to deal much more calmly with crises or irritations in sickbay. 

He sighed again, then glared at a passing lieutenant who was looking at him curiously. The lieutenant hastily found something else to do and fled. McCoy winced in regret at slipping up. It seemed he would have to find other ways to relax and keep his temper, besides abusing Spock's patience, or else he would never be able to keep this up.

The hardest, however, was respecting Spock's privacy. His lover often seemed contemplative and sometimes even upset. McCoy could only assume that the talks with his parents weren't easy on him. Before he would have asked and badgered until Spock told him about his troubles and then tried to give advice or simply comfort. But giving Spock what he needed meant waiting until Spock himself was ready to talk and accepting if he never brought it up at all. 

It was agonizing. 

He hoped Spock appreciated all the effort, because he sure as hell wasn't enjoying it. McCoy stifled another sigh. Hopefully, it would get easier with time because this was what the rest of his life was going to look like. Though really, Spock's reluctance to tell his parents about their bond was rather telling in how he thought the news would be received, no matter how well Leonard behaved.

He looked up as the entrance door hissed open and the guest of honor entered. Speak of the devil. Sarek, of course was accompanied by Amanda and Spock. He would have liked to avoid them altogether but realistically he knew that wasn't possible. McCoy kept an eye on their progress through the room and after talking with Jim, getting refreshments at the bar and greeting some of the other ambassadors, Spock ushered them straight over to him.

“Good evening, Doctor McCoy,” Sarek said in greeting. 

McCoy nodded at them. “Ambassador Sarek, Lady Amanda. I hope you are feeling well.”

“My parents wish to thank you once again for your help when father was ill,” Spock inserted.

“Indeed. Thanks to your competent work I am once again at optimum health,” Sarek said. 

Lady Amanda beamed at him, gratitude and relieved happiness clearly visible on her beautiful face. “Yes Doctor McCoy, I can't possibly tell you how grateful I am for everything you have done.” _Including giving me back my son_ , went unsaid but Leonard could hear it all the same. He felt his face heat up and cleared his throat in embarrassment.

“No need to thank me Ambassador, Ma'am. I was merely taking care of my patient to the best of my abilities. I am just glad everything ended well,” he said.

“All the same, I thank thee for my life,” Sarek formally intoned. McCoy could do little else but accept the thanks gracefully.

Thankfully, the awkward silence that followed was interrupted by the late Ambassador Gav's Aide, who had taken over the leading role of the Tellarite delegation and now wished to speak, or rather start an argument, with the Vulcan.

McCoy let the meaningless talk wash over him, only paying attention when it seemed like a response was expected from him. 

Spock was standing so close. 

McCoy could feel his body heat along his arm, even through the sleeve of his uniform. He wanted to bridge that distance and hook his arm through Spock's. He wanted to lean against his lover, soak in his heat and rest his weary head on his shoulder. He wanted to drag Spock into a corner and kiss him senseless. He wanted to slip into their bond and let Spock's calmness and love comfort him. He wanted to do so many things. He wanted them so badly his whole body was aching with longing and his heart was pounding heavily inside his chest. 

He did none of them. Instead he smiled blandly at Sarek and Amanda, hastily made his, no doubt very obvious excuses, and fled. He didn't notice Spock looking after him, his usually calm face clearly betraying concern, nor Amanda watching her son, as well as McCoy’s departure with a speculative look on her face. 

\--------------

There is something wrong with Leonard. 

Spock analyzed the situation and could only conclude that the disturbance coincided with his father's recovery from his illness, though the relation between these two incidents escaped him.

When they were both on the ship, Leonard touched him an average of 47 times a day. More, if he wished to instigate sexual intercourse. At first, he hadn't noticed the change as his own struggle with his father's presence had distracted him. But now that they had taken the first steps toward repairing their relationship, the changes in Leonard could no longer be ignored. During the last eight-point-five standard days the average of touches had sunk to a mere five times a day, none of which could be considered particularly intimate. Leonard had not kissed him once during that time, nor had he shown any of his usual signs that he wanted to be intimate. He had also changed his language and appeared to be censoring his own words. He rarely raised his voice anymore nor used expletives. Especially when speaking to Spock directly did he soften his voice and spoke only in short sentences. Their evenings were often spent in intense conversations and discussions on varied topics from politics to philosophy and ethics to science and exploration. Often Leonard took an opposing viewpoint to his own just to be contrary and force Spock into challenging his own views and opinions. Spock enjoyed the mental sparring. One of the things that had attracted him to Leonard in the first place was his keen intelligence and quick mind. Now he realized they had spent the last evenings in almost complete silence, he lost in his work and own thoughts and Leonard for once not trying to bring him out of them. 

Spock did not understand these sudden changes. One of the things he loved about Leonard was the fact that his mate always let him know his needs. He wanted Leonard to be happy but his own Vulcan upbringing left him woefully inadequate in interpreting the subtle signs of human emotions. He knew that his own mother was often unhappy with the social isolation that living as a human on Vulcan brought, and especially with her husband's emotional distance. It was therefore a relief that Leonard never left him to guess and always let his needs be known outright. If he was craving comfort he leaned against Spock in an invitation for an embrace. If he was amorous he kissed Spock's mouth and caressed his ears until Spock either returned his caresses or indicated that he did not wish to have intercourse at that time. If something was wrong he would tell him so. At least, it had always been so before. Now however Leonard was avoiding him and appearing more unhappy and sullen every day.

He could only conclude that Leonard was angry with him for some reason. Anger, in his beloved's case, often stemmed from hurt. But what had he done to hurt him? Nothing obvious came to mind. It was a puzzling problem and one he doubted could be solved with logic alone.

His mother's hand on his shoulder startled him out of his contemplations and he realized that he had been lost in thought and staring at the door Leonard had used to leave for almost nine-point-six minutes. Father was still arguing with Ambassador Revil and hadn't noticed. His mother however, always had a special talent of reading his emotions, even when they were mastered completely by logic.

“On earth,” she spoke softly and close to his ear so no one else could overhear, “there commonly is a rite of passage in a romantic relationship between two people. Introducing a partner to the other partner's family, especially the parents, and declaring the relationship to them openly often distinguishes a serious and secure relationship from a more casual one where a future dissolution is expected. I may be wrong, but a human partner might interpret a Vulcan's discretion in this regard negatively.”

_Oh_ , Spock thought and raised his eyebrow in surprise. His mother often was eerily perceptive. He knew that, and yet she still managed to surprise him. He hadn't counted on her discovering his bonding until he thought it necessary to inform both his parents. He had found himself very reluctant to tell them at all. If his father knew it was only a matter of time before Matriarch T'Pau was informed and then the details of the bond would be entered into the official lineage archives. As one of the first outsiders and the first human to marry a Vulcan, especially one of a prominent family, his mother often suffered under the public scrutiny and disapproval of other Vulcans. He had hoped to spare Leonard that through secrecy, but that only seemed possible now by minimizing their contact with Vulcan citizens. Thankfully this was a task made easier by serving on a Starfleet ship. It had only become socially acceptable for Vulcans to join Starfleet in the last five years or so and contact between the Enterprise and Vulcan exploratory ships was rare.

His mother's analysis of Leonard's behavior was sound and so was her suggested solution. He would not allow possible future scorn to compromise Leonard's happiness now.

“Thank you Mother,” he said. “If time permits I would speak with you and father this evening in private. I have an announcement to share with you.”

Amanda smiled. “Of course, Spock. Your father is still supposed to take it easy. I will have him retire early tonight. You may join us at your leisure when we leave.”

\--------------

The door to his quarters slid shut behind him with a quiet hiss. The room was painfully clean, almost completely empty and smelled slightly musty. The ventilation system kicked in almost immediately as the internal sensors registered his presence, but it reminded McCoy that he hadn't actually been _in_ his own quarters for months. Spock's quarters were much larger and more conveniently located. Even before their hasty, pon farr induced bonding it had seemed quite natural for McCoy to move in once his toothbrush, his shaving kit, his pajamas and his whiskey had migrated there on their own. His own room now merely served as a convenient place to store their more bulky items, like his rarely used guitar and the rather ugly statue of something that looked like a shaved bear-rat Spock had received as a gift of gratitude from the High Councilor of Mizar III.

Yet another situation where he hadn't thought enough about Spock's needs, he realized with a pang. He had taken it for granted that they would live together because Spock never complained, but the lack of privacy must be driving him crazy. Leonard took care that he worked silently on projects of his own when Spock meditated, but was that enough? It was another thing he simply didn't know and now had to add to his list of potential mess-ups. This just got better and better with every minute. Was there anything he had actually done right in this relationship? 

Leonard curled up on his bed under cold sheets that smelled like laundry detergent and not at all like Spock and allowed himself a few minutes of unapologetic self-pity. He was a crotchety, cranky human doctor who grew visibly older with every passing year, whereas Spock stayed almost the same thanks to Vulcan genetics. One had to wonder what Spock saw in him at all. And wasn't that an ugly thought. And if his eyes were slightly red and the sheet had a damp spot on it afterward, well, no one needed to know anything about it. 

Only then did he force himself to think rationally. He consoled himself with the thought that there must be something worthwhile for Spock in all this, why else was he staying? He also couldn't deny a spark of anger at Spock. True, he had messed up spectacularly but it took at least two for a marriage to work. Spock should have talked with him instead of stoically taking it all.

If this evening proved anything, it was that he couldn't become a second Amanda. He was far too needy for that. He had never consciously realized it before, but his emotional stability depended on regular, physical contact with his lover. It didn't matter as much when he was single because he would simply spend more time with friends like Jim and Scotty, or even Christine. But he simply couldn't spend day after day living with someone and force himself to touch him even less than a stranger. 

Clearly he and Spock had to have a long overdue talk. They had to reach some sort of compromise that made them both content. McCoy snorted, maybe he could negotiate a hug every alternate Thursday, an hourly make-out session once a month and a romantic walk through the arboretum every Wednesday, ship crises pending. This was far too close a reminder of the time he was still living on earth and negotiating the custody agreement for Joanna with Jocelyn. If he didn't try to see the humorous side of it he would probably cry again.

He didn't want to lose Spock, but he did have some pride left. He would give them a year. If he and Spock hadn't reached an agreement that made them both happy by that time, he would break it off. It would break his heart but he had survived that once, he could survive it again. What he couldn't do however, was to continue living like this.

\--------------

Spock hadn't considered the possibility that Leonard wouldn't be in their quarters, but only after he had checked there and then an equally empty sickbay, did he realize that it was illogical to search the ship manually for his lover. He found the nearest terminal and connected to the ship's mainframe.

“Computer, locate Dr. McCoy.”

“Dr. McCoy is on Deck 9, Section 2, Room 3F 127,” the mechanical, female voice informed him.

Spock's eyebrow rose. Those were Leonard's former quarters, now used as their personal storage room. It was a luxury on a Starship where all resources, especially space, were scarce. Unless Leonard was trying his hand at the guitar again, his current location indicated a rather less than cheerful emotional state. Spock carefully touched the mental bond. It was dulled with distance and Leonard's own psi-null status, but he did obtain the impression of churning emotions, sadness and anger.

It was time to resolve this once and for all.

\--------------

McCoy was half asleep when the door opened with no warning. Startled he sat up and struggled free of the blanket. He squinted into the sudden brightness spilling through the open door. It looked like the honest discussion he had resolved to have with Spock would come earlier than anticipated. Thankfully, Spock let the door close behind him and didn't raise the light. A bit of darkness might be comforting.

Spock looked at his lover with concern. Even in the dim light his acute night vision allowed him to see that Leonard had been crying recently. He was at a loss on how to deal with this and decided to come straight to the point.

“I have informed my parents about our bonding this evening.” To his surprise, Leonard did not react to his announcement with happiness or relief. Instead he paled and the corners of his mouth dropped into an unhappy expression. Had he misjudged Leonard's desires?

McCoy swallowed heavily. The cat was out of the bag then, damn. In with both feet, as his Daddy used to say. “How did they take it?” he asked.

“They were amenable,” Spock said. “Mother was joyful. She has suspected our bonding for the last few days. Father has no objections. He has great respect for you as a physician.”

Leonard sagged in relief. At least something good had come out of this whole ordeal. “That...,” his voice cracked and he cleared his throat, “that's great. I was kind of worried about what they would think.” And wasn't _that_ the understatement of the year.

Spock frowned slightly. “Leonard,” he said hesitantly, “I noticed that you have been very withdrawn since my parents came aboard. Mother suggested that keeping our bond a secret from her and father was a slight against you. That was not my intention.”

McCoy looked up in surprise. That was very close to the actual problem, and yet very wrong. He shook his head. “No Spock. That's only a very small part of the problem. _You_ are only a very small part of the problem. Most of it is just me.” He sighed. “Look, I wanted to talk with you anyway, although it is a bit earlier than I anticipated but that may be for the best. I don't want to chicken out.” He moved his hands through his hair then settled them on his lap to disguise the shaking. Damn nerves.

“In a way your parents are a mirror reflection of us.”

Spock opened his mouth to interrupt but McCoy raised his hand to stop him. “No. Please Spock, this is difficult enough. Just let me say my piece, all right?”

He waited until Spock nodded in consent, then he continued. “It's true. They are the only other Vulcan/Human couple. It's rather unavoidable to draw a comparison. You are very similar to your father.” He smiled, sensing that Spock was mentally objecting to this. “You got all his good parts anyway. And your Mama, she is wonderful. She has it all down how to behave with a Vulcan. And here comes the hard part: when I compare myself to Amanda I'm just not measuring up. I am treating you like a human partner. I have no respect for your personal space. I touch you constantly, I bug you while you meditate, I'm never quiet. Hell, I moved into your quarters without even asking. Until your parents came, I didn't even realize that I was treating you unfairly, but it's true.”

McCoy sighed and buried his head in his hands. “Look Spock, I tried my best to change but I don't think I can keep this up for much longer. We have to reach some sort of compromise with this. That means you have to talk with me. We both have to prioritize what's important to us in this relationship. I know most of the work has to happen on my part because I'm the one who messed up, but I need you to tell me when I make you uncomfortable. If we can't reach the kind of compromise where both of us are happy, then I don't think this is going to work in the long run.”

Spock was shocked and at a loss for words. Nothing Leonard was saying made any sense at all. How could his bonded believe that he didn't measure up? How could he believe that there was anything he had to measure up to in the first place? The only thing Leonard had stated correctly was that they needed to talk, or rather, that Spock needed to talk to him.

“I apologize Leonard,” was the first thing that came to mind. 

Leonard frowned. “You are sorry? Whatever for? I'm the one who screwed up.”

Spock shook his head. “Don't say that. You have not ' _screwed up_ '. It was my error. You are wrong Leonard. Do you understand? Everything you said is wrong. We are not my parents. My parents are trapped by Vulcan mores and Vulcan expectations and they are both suffering for it. My father is shunned for marrying a human and buries himself in work that takes him off-planet as much as possible. My mother is emotionally isolated from those around her and often even from father himself as he struggles to balance his love for a human and the expectations Vulcan logic puts on him. They are happy because they love each other. But they also suffer because they love each other.” 

Leonard's eyes widened in comprehension but Spock wouldn't stop until he was sure his bondmate understood everything. He daren't leaving Leonard to suffer under a misapprehension.

“I broke with Vulcan tradition and mores the day I eschewed the Vulcan Science Academy and joined Starfleet instead. I observe Surak's teachings of logic and emotional control because I respect and share his reasoning but not because I believe it to be the only right way as many Vulcans do.”

He took Leonard’s hand in his and caressed his pulse point with his thumb. With regret and shame he realized that this was the first time he had initiated a lover's touch outside the extreme circumstances of pon farr. Leonard seemed to realize the significance too, because his breath hitched and his pulse quickened. Spock let the bond flare to life. He wanted Leonard to feel everything he was offering with his next words.

“It was easier for me to leave the burden of the emotional fulfillment of our relationship in your hands. I could satisfy my own emotional needs under the pretense that I was only doing it for your sake. I let you touch me and love me without reciprocating. All the while I felt superior to my father, who struggles between his logic and mother's emotional needs, as well as his own. I was arrogant. In truth I failed as much as he did by placing the burden on you. For that I apologize, T'hy'la.”

McCoy cleared his throat. His eyes were bright with unshed tears. “I don't know what to say,” he said hoarsely.

Spock kissed him. Leonard gasped and greedily leaned into the caress. _'I think it is my responsibility to talk now, Leonard,'_ he silently projected over the bond. _'I love you. I do not wish you to change. I do not wish you to be my mother. I love your intelligence and I appreciate your honesty. I am not ashamed of you. You fulfill me. I regret that my pride caused you pain. I will not allow this to recur.'_

Leonard embraced him. “I forgive you,” he softly said.

\--------------

Spock shifts to accommodate Leonard as the other man sighs and turns in his sleep. He will need to sleep soon as well to be at peak efficiency during his duties tomorrow, but for now he is content to lie awake awhile longer with Leonard's right elbow digging into his abdomen and Leonard's hair brushing against his cheek. His lover is soft and cool against his side and his sleeping thoughts lap gently against Spock's through the bond. 

It is an uncomfortable thought how close he came to lose all this. Before he met Leonard he had not known that he was capable of such feelings. Now he knows what love is and fear, the fear of loss and uncertainty. 

Surak teaches in his writings that regret is illogical because it can not change the past. Surak's logic is sound and yet, it would be foolish of Spock to disregard the personal wisdom gained from this experience. He made mistakes without even realizing it and Leonard suffered for them. It is disconcerting that there I no assurance he won't do so again in the future. But when he regretted his actions Leonard forgave him without reservation. 

Spock is rarely moved to sentimentality but his lover inspires him. He moves down and presses his head against Leonard's chest. Leonard's heart is boundlessly generous and ever forgiving to the people he loves. Spock is grateful. It is a comforting thought that for as long as it beats no mistake will make them fail. Finally Spock allows the gentle rhythm to guide him into sleep.

 

End


End file.
